I can't sleep. I am sad. I miss my father in law. I miss him SO much. I wonder what changes (and there would be SO many) in our lives there would be. Yes, I think it is okay to think about that. I think it helps cleanse the soul (pour out tears in other words) and gives the opportunity to step back and see what is missing and how I can help fill those holes.
My kids..... I can just imagine what their relationships with Rick would be like. (I really need to find that video of Brayden with Papa on the deck playing with the soft football. I would really like to show it to Brayden). I believe that Rick would laugh at some of the goofy questions Brayden always asks and would think "well isn't that something" about some of Brayden's quirky things (AKA fear of balloons flying away!).
Nolan... I am not sure. He would probably think he is about the most fun 3 year old there is. Nolan lives his life like a superhero and from the stories I've heard, Rick used to march to the beat of his own drum in his younger days/college days.
Kalyn... Now this would be interesting. I've heard stories that he was SO SURE that Jon was a girl that he wrote on a cake.....Mandy.... the name he liked for his baby girl. I think he would think it was neat what we did when we named her (combining Susan Kay and Sue Lynn (Jon's mom and my mom's names combined).... Kalyn Sue). Since Kalyn was a bit of a surprise... I can imagine his grin and the conversations that would follow the announcement that we were expecting. The day she was born, I couldn't have been happier, but I still wish he could have held her -- the girl he never had.
I can only get so raw before I turn into a complete mess.
I know that he is in our hearts and helping us every step of the way. I think he would be SO proud of his sons and the men they have become. The father that Jon is to our children. He would side with me on having another baby for him and Sue to spoil... ya know... to have an even number ;) That one was mostly just teasing, but yes, I do have a little baby fever and no we are not planning another baby at this time.
I could talk to Rick. There was just something about him that made me feel like he cared about my rambling stories, cooking experiments, and stubborn, first-time mom rules. I can only hope that he is proud of me. Jon told me --4 years ago-- that he had mentioned to Jon that he was proud of me for doing Farrell's and being dedicated to my fitness. 4 years, 2 pregnancies and nursing, and not the healthiest eating.... and here we are today.... becoming fit, eating healthy (ok... healthier), and hoping that he is proud of me.
He wanted to run D2D with Jon. He just wanted to be a part of his life--Josh's too--because they always had a great time hanging out downtown after the D2D. He never got to run that race. I haven't ever ran that race. I've never ran that far in my life. I'm doing it. I hope he will be proud of me. I'm doing it not only for my health, for my family's benefit and the impressions I leave on my kids about fitness, but I am doing it for Rick -- he never got to and God willing, I still have that chance. "If you get the chance to sit it out or dance.... I hope you dance!"
On May 18, 2013.... it will be 4 years. Four years WAY too long. It still feels like yesterday..... I wish Heaven wasn't so far away.
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